


The Ballad of Bob

by Daeg, MaverikLoki



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Crack, IT RHYMES, M/M, impromptu poetry battle, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 18:35:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3498689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daeg/pseuds/Daeg, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaverikLoki/pseuds/MaverikLoki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some glorious what-the-fuckery, spawned out of a comment regarding Anders' name and how he could be named "Bob" for all we know.</p><p>An epic poetry battle between Maverikloki and Lord_Daeg on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ballad of Bob

**Author's Note:**

> "Bob is such a poetic name. Very exotic in the Anderfels, you understand."  
> "I can see it now: the great ballad of Bob of the Anderfels. Bards will sing of him for centuries!"
> 
> We alternated stanzas. Lord_Daeg started, then Maverikloki, etc. Insanity ensued.

In the Anderfels lived a man named Bob

Born with magic, which simply was odd

Taken to the tower, his mood turned sour

until the mages saw the size of his knob

 

Though mage robes were flowing and breezy

He’d rather be free than be easy

He gave it two shakes and jumped into the lake

He swam so hard he grew wheezy

 

Through Ferelden then went the man

and many times he was returned with no plan

Then one last time, he escaped with no crime

For finally the damned templars he outran

 

The templars would catch him, he knew it

And in Amaranthine did they do it

Back to the Circle he feared, but the darkspawn appeared

He burned them and: “I didn’t do it!”

 

Away from danger the mage believed to be

And with that knowledge he enjoyed being free

T’was a shame then, he’d met a dwarf called Oghren

And each morning found his smalls up a tree

 

There was also a great archer named Nate

Whose original purpose was hate

Small-less or not, he made this life worth a shot

And made Anders want to master— _magic_

 

Though the archer wore always a scowl

All the mage did was tease with a towel

and curiosity did its thing, when he saw the second ring

And into the night the mage did howl

 

Justice was rooming next door

And considered these humans a bore

Velanna talked spite and Anders MAGE RIGHTS

It made cleaning up Thedas a chore

 

But alas his peace could not last

For Anders was now chased by his past

A templar forced a brawl, he escaped to Kirkwall

And Justice and him were now amassed

 

In Kirkwall he met Garrett Hawke

A man whose ass made him gawk

It was just his luck, for Kirkwall was fucked

(Unlike him) while Hawke’s flirts made him squawk

 

But Justice kept his fun at bay

And even though he saw Hawke everyday

It took him three years, to get over his fears

And kiss the other man anyway

 

Then sometime long after the gay,

Anders needed some sela petrae

Broody was in a snit as they collected, well, shit

But the mage hid his plans well away

 

And though it nearly cost him his heart

The mage moved forward with his part

The Chantry he blew, Meredith and Orsino he slew

And afterwards he and Hawke had a new start

 

And thus ends the Ballad of Bob

The mage with the legend’ry knob

Now the mages are free, so where could he be

This Anders who rallied the mob?

**Author's Note:**

> We're maverikloki and saeter-daeg on tumblr, for those interested. 
> 
> Be warned: I am always up for a poetry battle ~~especially if there's rum around~~. ~Mav


End file.
